I've always told myself that I don't want to spend my life in a job I hate just to make ends meet. If I'm miserable, I walk away, simple! To me my mental and emotional health trump any paycheck. Some would call this type of thinking irresponsible, reckless even. I mean, I need to pull my weight right? Well, yes, that I do need to do but I fail to wrap my head around the idea that the God I serve would align me with a job that does a number on my mental and emotional health simply because I've got to make a living. That's not my God. My God is father. My God wants me to live a fruitful life, my God wants me to excel for His glory, my God wants me to make waves in the world and for that reason He has put various passions within me. The things that drive me to pursue certain avenues, that drive me to keep going even when it's hard, the things that bring fulfillment even when I work my fingers to the bone, the things where even when the going gets tough I can look back and say it was all worth it.
Those who know me know that I never wanted to be a lecturer. Yes I'm passionate about learning, education and educating others. At one point not even five years back I had applied for a Post-graduate Diploma in Education so I could be a qualified teacher, but lecturing? Naaah, maybe closer to retirement I thought. But there I was about a year and a half ago drawn to a lecturing post for some unknown reason. I'm not one to ignore my "gutt" so with two days to go to the deadline, I sent in my application. Despite what I thought wasn't particularly a great interview, I got the job and there I was happily lecturing away and engaging with students. For the first year at least... Fast forward to 2020.
I remember the Sunday before we were to open again, and the few days preceding that. There I was sinking into what seemed to be a depressive episode. "It's that time of year again. Time to get back to work. Time to sink under the weight of having to juggle 3 classes with 120 plus students in each"... Now to some this may seem like peanuts, but I've learnt that I'm one of those people who would be lying if I said "works well under pressure". Pressure more often that not makes me grumpy, at the worst it leads to burnout and a downward spiral. On that Sunday, as I sat by my desk in the evening, on the verge of tears, actually I may have cried a little lol. In my heart I said to God, "I can't do this anymore, I'm tired". I strongly felt that it was time for a change. As I prayed for Him to intervene, to strengthen me, to lift me up, to help me, I clung onto His invitation to bring my weary and burdened self to Him for rest (Matthew 11: 28). So I placed my anguish at His feet and went to bed. I woke up not really feeling that much better but I was at least able to pull myself out of bed and off to work I went to meet the 300 plus students for the day, telling myself this was the last semester I'd put myself through this. I felt I had learnt all I was supposed to learn in that season (that's a whole other story). It was time for a change. Maybe I was putting God on the spot but I wasn't going to sit around for longer than I felt I had to instead of shifting when I desperately needed the "fresh air" that a change of scenery would bring.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks. I sit here still surprised by how this change came about but ever so grateful. He heard me, I cried out for help and the Father heard me. It wasn't instant but I didn't have to wait for a whole semester for Him to intervene. I didn't have to drop everything and move back home either, right where I was He turned things around, changed my job description and sat me in what I currently call greener pastures. I will confess, initially I had no desire for this particular change. I resisted it in fact but oh boy, at this point I can say what a relief I was "backed" into that corner. Onwards we go, brighter and lighter, looking forward to what this season holds.
As I end this very long recollection of days gone by, let me say this. In times of turmoil and uncertainty, cast your burdens unto Him for He cares for you.
Signed-
Dr S.
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