Those who know me know I’m a sucker for love, marriage and solid families. But in a country where divorce rates went up 42% between January 2018 and January 2019 is it even worth it? I believe it is. The family is the backbone of society, a space in which tomorrow’s leaders, great thinkers and also tomorrow’s broken people are crafted. With that in mind, it’s up to us as the parents of future generations to change the narrative, turn the tide and build strong, solid marriages that stand the test of time and churn out outstanding members of society.
“It is from our homes that we release or export members of society. And if our homes or society or marriages are broken it is that brokenness, hurt, irresponsibility, disobedience and rebellion that we export to our communities” Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng
I recently finished reading a book titled “Defending Traditional Marriage” by Dr. Willard Harley Jr, a seasoned psychologist and marriage counsellor who has saved thousands of marriages which couples thought to be beyond repair. In this book he speaks of the need to defend marriage, not just any type of marriage but marriage in its traditional form because when marriage is done this way it works! What exactly is “traditional marriage” you may ask? According to Dr. Harley this marriage is the one that is embodied in traditional marriage vows found in Christian ceremonies, the vows which present marriage as.
Traditional marriage - “a permanent (as long as you both shall live) and sexually exclusive (forsaking all others) relationship of extraordinary care (love, comfort, honour and keep etc.) between a man (to be your husband) and a woman (to be your wife)”.
The question that comes to mind for some is “is this even a thing”? Did these marriages ever really exist, do they exist now and for those of us looking forward to marriage can they exist? In thinking about these things, and as a believer in the great potential for life-long marriages I thought it would be great to sit down with some married folk in different stages of their marriage journey and learn from their experiences to find out whether this happily ever after business is actually all it’s cracked out to be. I hope the couples’ profiles I share over the next few weeks encourage those who are battling to make their marriages work as well as those who are still seeking love and their happily ever after!
COUPLE 1: MR AND MRS MICAH AND ELIZABETH MPOFU, (THE BEST FRIENDS!), MARRIED 47 YEARS (AUG 2020)
This is one of those couples that always evoke an “aaww those two are the cutest” from every young adult I know - some who they taught over the years and others who have crossed paths with them at one point or another. From morning workout sessions, opening car doors and just a shared respect for each other, these two give us something to look up to. What’s the secret behind their 47 years of marriage? Read on!
THE MEET UP
The couple met in the first term of teacher training at Gweru Teacher’s College (GTC) in 1967. They were in the same maths group at the time. According to the two, Micah’s friend came to the lecture without a pen so he asked to borrow one from Elizabeth, which was followed by a plot not to give the pen back so there would be a reason to speak again in the future.
(GTC main lecture theatre)
THE INITIAL VIBE
There were only two girls in the maths group and Elizabeth was the one who could speak a bit of Ndebele, the other girl couldn’t. One can’t be sure but this may have made Micah more inclined to talk to Elizabeth as he couldn’t speak Shona at the time but never the less, from the pen incident they moved to chats over break time and Micah carrying her books for her across the college between classes, which is how the relationship started to build up.
(Micah, Elizabeth and some maths group friends)
THE COURTSHIP
Fast forward to the second term and there was no putting breaks on this train! A shared passion for Scripture Union, church and commitment to God, shared interests in sports and the sciences and a mysterious unexplainable force had drawn the two closer together. By the time the term was over a marriage proposal had been laid on the table and was accepted.
“In a few weeks we connected, I cannot say why and how...Having grown up orphaned very young and moving between relatives life was not easy so I prayed to God for a wife that would restore my confidence in marriage” – Micah Mpofu
6 YEARS, WORTH THE WAIT
Marriage itself wasn’t going to come easy for this pair. From interference by older guys at the College, to months spent apart during school holidays and deployment, the couple had to wait six years to finally get married.
“I would always pray to say God give me a husband who doesn’t drink and fears God because of the abuse and conflict I had seen in marriages where the husband drinks.” – Elizabeth Mpofu
“She had detected that I liked things like nzungu and I detected she liked bananas and so forth so every beginning of term I would get presents from her and that also helped in the building of the relationship”. – Micah Mpofu
Under the African Education Act, the government funded the three year teacher training programme which was then followed by a three year period of bondage after which service to the government was then broken. If a woman got married during the three years of service, her service was automatically broken, she had to pay a fee equivalent to the rest of the service period she would miss out on and she was also relegated to the status of temporary teacher which meant a non permanent job of relief teaching. These conditions saw the couple deciding to live out the three years after training apart at the different locations they had been deployed to by the government.
(Micah and a friend at graduation)
With Micah being in the spotlight as a soccer player and ballroom dancer and with Elizabeth being an intelligent, athletic young woman, these two could have found themselves in an entirely new love story with other potential suitors but their connection and commitment along with letters and occasional visits pulled them through the last three years of their courtship.
(Pictures from Scripture union holiday camps, leadership camps and sporting events)
“It was the period of letter writing so we would write you know “Dear Darling”... Sometimes you would wait for two weeks and see no letter then you wonder whether the other is still there and interested because the postal service at the time was very efficient. Then the letter would come and you would be excited...” – Micah Mpofu
In the year after having ended their service, the cows came home! A few challenges were faced before they got married as Micah is Ndebele and Elizabeth is Shona. Some relatives didn’t understand why it was necessary to bring in an “outsider” into the family but people soon got over it and supported the move. After roora the two had a church wedding and three reception parties, one for her family in Seke, one for his family at his rural home and one for Micah’s friends and soccer club who were in urban Bulawayo.
THE FIRST YEAR
A first year of marriage didn’t really exist for these two. Ndebele culture saw them being given a little girl to take care of as soon as they were married therefore the couple started off with an instant family which included Micah’s niece who was in Grade One at the time, as well as extended family members who preferred to lodge with them whilst in transit. There was simply no room to get to know each other!
“It was the most difficult experience for a young couple because the issues we were struggling with weren’t between us but were from family...We managed to make it through by standing together and dealing with the challenges together. I think this actually brought us closer” – Micah Mpofu
HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE?
I don’t know about the happy wife, happy life idea but for this couple it’s all about each other. Their happiest memories are the births of their 8 children during the different phases of their lives as well as the time they eventually got to live alone in a bigger house where they could be alone as a nuclear family without people coming in and out of the home. They described themselves as best friends who talk things out and work on their marriage without including third parties.
“We can’t give you a formula for success, we can only say it must be God who brought us to where we are. We have walked difficult patches like personal conflicts and raising a family of 9 in an urban set up as teachers. The Christian aspect has helped us to find something to stand on”. – Micah Mpofu
(Mpofu memories over the years)
“I am the head scripturally but it’s really a matter of understanding one another and accommodating each other not so much a pronounced headship. I wish the best for her, she wishes the best for me... I always complain when she is cooking that if I wasn’t here you wouldn’t be doing all this cooking. And she says but you are there and someone needs to do it so I will. I do help though and cook sometimes and I clean around the yard. We don’t have a compartmentalised relationship” – Micah Mpofu
“She’s my friend and I’m her friend. If its a joke we share that together, if its anything. Pain. We share that” –Micah Mpofu
“When things aren’t ok emotions go up. We aren’t a perfect couple but what also helps is being best friends. There is no 3rd person in-between us, we sort out our issues between us. Not to say my sister says this or my mother says this. You burn all the bridges and cleave onto one another” – Elizabeth Mpofu
WHAT EVERY YOUNG COUPLE MUST KNOW
Foundations:
The most important thing to consider if you are Christians are spiritual values. When you are equally yoked you can then begin considering other things such as educational backgrounds, cultural differences, finances, family backgrounds and possible expectations, interests, role expectations in marriage. These are things often ignored by young people these days but they are also important and failure to consider them can lead to short lived marriages.
“The first and most important thing is are you compatible spiritually. If this is there then the other things can possibly be managed...starting with one partner praying and asking God for the conversion of another can be a big setback” – Elizabeth Mpofu.
“When you connect your marriage to God right from the beginning you can always tap into that when you face challenges. Don’t only turn to pastors when your marriage is in trouble, start with the right foundation, make use of premarital counselling to work on differences and to ensure compatibility”- Micah Mpofu
Secondary issues:
“What we have observed with younger people is that one goes into a marriage with a list of things they will not tolerate or do and the other person also comes with the same so you start off with a long list of things that you are unwilling to compromise on from both sides. So it’s all based on self, you have conflict right from the start with each person asking what can I get out of this instead of what can I give” – Micah Mpofu
“Your spiritual beliefs determine your value systems and what you put forward as the critical things in marriage. If you are of the same faith your value systems are likely to converge” – Micah Mpofu
“With the issue of finances it’s tricky. Sometimes he has his things and she has his things and after marriage these things then become a source of conflict. Sometimes people build together, or she has and he doesn’t and it works or it doesn’t. So as a guy do you say I don’t get married until I have everything in order?.. These are issues of serious consideration...These are the challenges your generation faces and the alternative to trying to figure it out alone is to turn back to scripture. There is a scripture that says seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these other things will be added. So first you focus on God as the foundation of the relationship then you start considering all these other issues of finances, a home, roles, family, children, sex. These are specific side issues which are not to be ignored. That’s why pre-marital counselling is good, to help you figure out how to deal with these issues”. – Micah Mpofu
“When two partners go into marriage with the full understanding, and the starting point is strong then it’s good for the relationship. Getting into marriage without consideration of all the important issues is the worst thing that can happen. If you make a plan from a position of strength, understanding the two sides of the coin then it helps”. – Micah Mpofu
FINAL REMARKS FROM... ME!
In closing, if you’re looking to see how to build a great marriage or start to repair a broken marriage, have a look at Dr Harley’s site and some of his free resources (https://www.marriagebuilders.com/)
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