Marriage is not just a case of “happily ever after” and neither are relationships. Love is messy, it’s exhausting, it’s frustrating and at times it’s downright depressing. But this doesn’t mean it’s not worth having. When done right, love is also very rewarding. Love is your husband/wife taking care of you when you are sick, choosing to love and respect you even when they don’t feel like it, sharing your hopes and dreams and helping you work towards them, cheering you on even when you don’t believe in yourself, brightening up your existence through laughter and their simple presence. That, that is love, warts and all!
“Finding love is very hard. It’s tough out there. It’s the truth because I see it and I’ve experienced it…” – Karen
As a young person it’s so easy to be discouraged when it seems like everyone around you is getting married, preparing for marriage or is even just happily coupled up. Social media depicts relationships as being perfect and love as a journey of unending highs... #relationshipgoals… Even though we know better we still find ourselves swept up in these love stories, which in comparison make our own love lives seem pitiful at the very least and depressing in the worst case scenarios. I love celebrating couples who take life as it comes and continue to choose each other with each and every day. I am here today to share a little from a young married couple. The older generation is not the only place we can go for encouragement, for advice and wise counsel, sometimes the answers, hope and direction we are looking for come from our peers.
This post cuts across a number of different topics, touching on the search for a spouse, dating and early marriage.
Because I’ve shared a video with all this content, here I just summarise the issues that jumped out at me.
Before “the one”…
1. Work on yourself!
2. Don’t expect to change your ways just because you are now married!
3. Be realistic in terms of your expectations; ideas of the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend should be trumped by a realistic reflection of what the person you can still be happy with at 65 looks like.
4. Be open to interacting with people who don’t necessarily fit into your “box” of expectations!
5. Know yourself, what you enjoy and who you are. Thrive as this person because your partner is not going to complete you, you will still be the same person even in marriage.
“During”…
Here’s a question we hear often, and in some cases have even asked ourselves. “How do I know s/he is the one?”. Many have given their opinions around this but the truth is there is no fool proof method.
We seem to think relationships are happy go lucky, it will be smooth sailing with the one I’m meant to be with, but as life as it it’s sometimes not that simple. Sometimes the journey to marriage is full of mis-steps and doubts. The truth is even when you think you’re sure circumstances can have doubt creeping in, sometimes it then becomes apparent that you were wrong, at other times it points towards either one or both of you having things you need to work through either individually or apart. Either way, don’t be afraid to take a step back when there is more harm than good.
1. We’re human, it’s not that unusual to have doubts.
2. Don’t be afraid to walk away when intentions aren’t clear.
3. Pray!
Wedding planning…
Wedding planning. The most stressful things after the roora proceeding!
It seems one can’t help but be frustrated by all the “requests” coming from family, and all the people who expect to receive an invitation for one reason or another. Here are some things to consider.
1. If you have a big family big weddings are great but that means you won’t actually get to interact with everyone.
2. Try make the wedding as much as possible about you.
3. Make sure you get lots of nice pictures and video footage.
The first year…
You know how at kitchen tea parties they make marriage seem all rosy and amazing because “they don’t want to scare you?”. Don’t believe it! A good marriage doesn’t come easy, it’s not all a fairytale.
“It’s not complicated but its hard work” – Karen
1. You don’t change who you are just because you are married.
2. Be patient with yourself as you adapt.
3. Be ready to compromise!
4. Don’t take things personally, take time to learn exactly who your partner is as a spouse.
5. It might take a few months to “clean house” as past ‘hopefuls’ adjust to your new marital status.
6. Learn to plan strategically together, share the same vision for your family.
And lastly, some things to look forward to if you make it through all the mess. Oh, the joys of marriage!
1. Planning things together.
2. Sharing hopes and dreams.
3. Caring for each other.
4. Companionship and friendship.
As you think around marriage as an unmarried person, I guess now would be a good time to reflect on whether you’d still be in a happy place if you were on lockdown with the person you are currently dating. Or, if you’re single, what type of person would you have been happy spending your time with during this period? Think hard be honest with yourself!
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