A family bond is only as strong as the quality of individual relationships within it. My heart aches every time I hear the line "I wish I had a better relationship with my mum". I'll go on a limb here and say it's every little girl's dream to have an amazing relationship with their mother. Heck, I'll even say it's every young woman's dream. There's something so very special about an intimate relationship between a mother and her daughter. Sadly for a number of people this either never existed or got shattered somewhere between adolescence and young adulthood. For the lucky ones this relationship was rebuilt after adolescence. Whilst there is no parenting manual out in the world and all we've got is the trial and error method for each and every parent-child relationship, I'd like to think there are some general lessons that can be learnt here and there and maybe said lessons can help to improve a number of parent-child relationships in current times and help to build good relationships with our own children in the future (for us single, childless folk).
Of the many different relationships formed over the course of the life span, the relationship between parent and child is among the most important and yet many Zimbabweans hold onto the idea that the parent - child relationship is one which is not to become personal or comfortable. Well the joke is on us!
"In a study of more than 800 adults throughout their 30s—a group researchers followed since they were fifth-graders at Seattle elementary schools in 1985—the people who reported better physical health; mental health; health maintenance behaviors (such as exercise and sleep); low sex-risk behavior; low rates of substance abuse; friendships and relationships; socioeconomic status (income, education, homeownership); responsibility (employment, managing finances); and civic engagement were, consistently, those whose parents and teachers had received lessons aimed at building stronger bonds with their children decades ago." (Washington, 2019).
From the moment boundaries were put up around the nature of parent-child relationships and what could or could not be spoken about in family set ups we've been short changed. Many have experienced unfulfilling relationships with their parents, particularly the mothers. I believe mothers are one of the most important gifts we have been given. They are essentially our manual to life, yet sometimes this manual simply refuses to open, leaving children to their own devices. Whilst some mothers may be open with their children, many others are not, yet even the bible impresses the importance of instruction between older and younger women. For this instruction to be effective though I feel it must come from a place of genuine engagement and love - an authoritative and not an authoritarian approach.
Authoritative parents are characterized by having high expectations for their children, while providing warmth and support. Central to authoritative parenting is having an open style of communication between the parent and child.
Authoritarian parents (“strict parents”) are characterized by having high expectations, while offering little support. The structure and rules provided by authoritarian parents can be helpful for adolescents, but should be balanced with support and open communication.
The one thing I love about my generation' approach to life is our determination to improve, to use the lessons we have learnt from our parents in the hope of charting a better path. Now this post is not an attack on mothers or the way they raised us, but it is hopefully an eye opener for current and future mums. To be more open and more welcoming of intimate relationships with their children. To be more open to vulnerability and the sharing of their stories because we truly learn so much from this as girls and young women even when we seem like we're not paying attention. Additionally there may be some mums out there who long for better relationships with their daughters but just don't know where to begin or where things went wrong, this could be a conversation starter.
We can come up with all the expert opinions and analyses, but who better to highlight areas of improvement than those who grew up feeling like something was missing. From the young women I spoke to around what causes tension and what results in good relationships, two key things came up. So from here on out, this one is for the mothers who may be seeking to bridge the gap, and the future mothers who long to have good relationships with their children.
Things that have a negative impact on the bond:
EXPECTATIONS
"I wish she had taken time to try and understand my personality so that she could treat me in the way someone with my personality responds to. I’m introverted but she had expectations of me that were more suited to an extroverted child, so this caused a lot of friction between us because I couldn’t give the behavior she wanted and I resented her for wanting me to behave in a way that I’m not made to behave. So when I have a daughter, I’m definitely going to be intentional about trying to understand her and her personality so I can take that into consideration when raising her"
(29 year old female)
"I think mum has taught me almost everything except relationship issues. Growing up it was always books before boys. One day, while I was still in varsity I told mum that I had a boyfriend and she asked what I needed him for. I regretted telling her. My sister was then appointed my body guard and it became taboo to talk about boys to mother. I finished school and felt ready for marriage at 22 and still no boys allowed. Fast forward into the future I am still single in my mid 30s... I was never taught how to know and select the good guys from the bad or how to nurture a relationship with a potential husband yet now she asks about marriage and grandchildren. I dont even know how get into a relationship except be hard to get and reject every good guy that sees me. I feel like a defective gadget you know. I feel like being in a relationship is so wrong....and talking about guys is taboo"
(mid 30s female)
"I wish she had taken the time to understand me and my character as well as the process of change I was going through as a teenager but because she didn't understand me and saw my teenage ways as a threat we got stuck in a disruptive cycle of discipline and rebellion that killed the relationship we had when I was younger. To her I just wasn't the "good" child she expected me to be
(28 year old female)
"My mum is always hot and cold. She expects me to be perfect yet sometimes l fail because l can't meet her standards... I end up being so emotional and it affects me so much"
(20 year old female)
Things that build and maintain the bond:
OPEN COMMUNICATION
"I can't think of anything I wish my mum had taught me but didn't. I'm just grateful for the love we have for each other it covered everything I wished for and I got even more. I feel everything got revealed in its time"
(25 year old female)
"To be completely honest the kind of relationship I have with my mom is very open and honest. She is my best friend in every sense of the word. My go to. There’s not a thing I think I know that I haven’t learned from her. She’s been EVERYTHING!!!! We talk about everything, yes including sex. She’s the first person I told when I was thinking about having sex the first time, and also who I told when it happened. She’s got an open door policy but still keeps a firm mind cos I never forget she’s my mother first before she’s my friend. But I’ve never thought I couldn’t go to her for anything"
(26 year old female)
"I wish my mum had talked to me about sex man. Because if you can talk about sex with your mama, you can talk about anything"
(29 year old female)
"We talk about everything with my Mom..we are open to each other. When I'm happy I tell her, when I'm heartbroken , sad etc. If there is a slight deviation from the norm she quickly picks it up (and theres a lotta those moments🤣) because she knows me too well. We can like people together or hate them because she always knows what's going on. So yeah, communication is the best part of our relationship. She also tells me about her problems too"
(28 year old female)
"What makes my relationship great with my Mom is the evolution it’s experienced over the years. When I was younger my Mom was my best friend and as soon as I hit puberty she turned into my worst enemy at times. Things however got better when we started being honest with each other and got to know the new versions of ourselves. Now she’s back at being my friend and we have a new found respect for one another"
(28 year old female)
Final thoughts:
The foundation we set for relationships earlier in life has ripple effects that go way into an adult's life. Research has shown that although peers can affect adolescents and the growth process into adulthood "parents continue to have more influence than peers on many important outcomes, including whether adolescents smoke, use alcohol or other drugs, or have sex. Additionally, Positive parent-child relationships are associated with higher levels of adolescent self-esteem, happiness, and life satisfaction, and lower levels of emotional and physical distress".
These are things to keep in mind as we journey towards parenthood!
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