"We have all been hurt by someone that we love, someone we wanted to accept us. We were all born with this root in our soul. We have been the victims of people hurting us and we have been the villains in hurting others" - Gregory Dickow
Being rejected is one thing, it happens to all of us but how we deal with it is another issue. Rejection, perceived or otherwise can do a number on one's wellbeing. This is something that I believe all people have struggled with at some point in their lives, and others still find themselves stuck in cyclical battles. That was me once upon a time, fighting a losing battle against my deep seated issues with rejection. Something that led to me resenting and recoiling from those most dear to me.
Today I came across a memory from a Facebook post I shared some time back on the subject matter and I decided to turn it into a blog post. Funny enough this comes in the wake of me going through a period of doubt where I again found myself face to face with an issue I thought I completely dealt with. PERCEIVED REJECTION. Many have been torn down by feelings of being inadequate, and many others have lowered their standards to a place where they accept any and all small scraps of attention and affection. I'm here to tell you today, it doesn't have to be that way!
"Rejection doesn't have the power to destroy us but it's how we react and respond to rejection that determines whether it's going to destroy us or have any ill effect on our lives" - Gregory Dickow
Before I go in, I must admit the title is a little misleading. This post doesn't talk about how I survived my struggle with fighting feelings of rejection, rather it speaks of how I managed to anchor myself and change my perspective in a way which helped me not to be as hard hit as I used to be.
"Despite what your heart may tell you, you are loved and you are valuable! If you don't believe it, do the work to figure out the root cause of this unbelief" - Dr Shamie
Once upon a time I thought I could only find true happiness in relationships, i.e through others. Unbeknownst to many I clung to friendships as one would cling onto the last piece of driftwood after the ship has been washed away. My friends were my everything! They lived on a pedestal, on which the honour of being my most prized assets was laid beside a long list of expectations - love me, fill up the spaces in me that make me fill hollow, value me, place me on a pedestal as well. But ofcourse this didn't always happen and as such, the slightest misstep felt like a betrayal of the highest magnitude, a cancelled date, failing to mention one was 'in town', or a "refusal" to shift plans to fit me in had the ground giving way below me, the failure to extend and invitation would have me asking "do they really care?", "does anyone love me?". One such bump and I'd be incapacitated, stuck in bed for at least 3 days, all thanks to a little thing by the name of rejection... Or more accurately *perceived rejection*
Now, on the surface it was all hunky dory, no problem here. But on the inside I was dying, the equivalent of a rose bush that has been left without water for too long. Petal after petal falling off with each gust of wind. And then, at the least unexpected moment... A drop of rain. A story that sounded all too much like mine, which had me ask why am I so dependent on others? Why do simple things have me feeling like I have been rejected? Why am I so sensitive? What is it that makes me feel so small and insignificant? What exactly is at the root of all my issues with (perceived) rejection. Now the answers to that I will not go into here, but the point is the journey of introspection and the exploration of how the spiritual can affect us in seemingly physical ways led to me growing roots that tapped into the water table that had been just outside of my reach. God yall. Yes he had been in my life all along, but where my identity lay, that had not been based on who He says I am. It was based on how others treated me, which placed heavy expectations on them and also made me extremely vulnerable and sensitive even to one being genuinely unavailable.
Had I not done the work and come to have my identity rooted in God and who He says I am, who He has called me to be, I'd still be walking around unsure of myself. Unsure of my value. Unsure of how people see. Do I make they cut? Do they love me? Do they genuinely want to spend time with me? AM I ENOUGH? ...
Because of my journey of reflecting on rejection and how it ties into who I am, today I know who I am. I AM ENOUGH. I am a gem! I am the daughter of the most high, a lover, a giver, a teacher, or as one of my friends would call it "a nester"... One cancelled arrangement does not determine my value, failed friendships or relationships do not determine my value, and most of all other people's inability to see it doesn't mean its not there. All because I tapped into the right water source.
Where do you draw your value? Does this source leave you broken, thirsty, defeated?
Lay down your emotional/spiritual baggage. Open those bags and see what you're carrying around that's been weighing you down. What makes you feel broken, alone, unvalued? Could there be more to it than you just being a "sensitive individual"? Pull it all out and place it up against the light of God and see what He has to say about it. There is a reason why He calls to all who are heavy ladden, I was once one of those people and there will be times in life where I will go through those periods of heaviness but I can be assured I will never be as broken or as dry as I was before I encountered the truth about who I am.
Changing your mindset is no easy thing, it's a work in progress and although some has been made around the issue of rejection now I have new battles to fight. Where ever you may be along the journey of discovering yourself and growing in who you are, I wish all the best!
Bellow I've shared a resource which helped me understand how rejection works and how to deal with it. This sermon jumpstarted me and set me on the path of discovering my value and what lay beneath my issues with rejection. I hope it helps you too.
Gregory Dickow "Uprooting the spirit of rejection"
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